"the great bologna disaster"

   it started out well. my 39th birthday.could have been my 40th- none of us can remember- probably, we tried to block it out. my birthday is july 1st, which has always been like a long, continuous party running on into the 4th of july. i've always loved that.
   this particular year i had the brilliant idea idea of a lake birthday. i L O V E the lake. we grew up spending wonderful weekends on lake eufaula on our houseboat of many names...."first mate", 'forty-feet-of-fun", "tres niñas"...say when.....depending on who you asked. i could write a blog about that boat.
   this fine saturday, we'd rented a huge pontoon boat for the day & ventured out with us, my sister, joy, her husband & some of their kids as well as my beloved in-laws & 47 life preservers. now, joy & i love the lake- the suntan (burn), the swimming, splashing, that good kind of tired & hungry, & all of us (except joy) laughing at the ever -present terrorizing threat of "balls-of-snakes"(read: large entangled masses of water moccasins) that to this day joy S W E A R S  lurk under every floating styrofoam dock & roil around in the open water waiting to bite skiiers & her......but especially, we love the food the ice chest might as well have been a treasure chest full of gold. that's how much we love our lake food. joy & i had been planning this feast for days- chips ahoy cookies, carrots, grapes, pop, cantaloupe, those frosted sugar cookies that are way too messy for home, white bunny bread, iceberg lettuce, but most importantly that all-important yellow plastic package of oscar mayer beef bologna.  things you would never eat at home are magically transformed into food of the gods in a boat on the lake.
   joy had been talking incessantly for days about how much she was anticipating this delicious sandwich-this memory of our childhood come to life between two slices of wonder bread. it was to be the much bally-hooed highlight of her weekend. maybe even her whole summer.
   the morning went well. lots of kids taking turns tubing. lots of kids taking turns "driving" the boat.  l i f e  w a s  g o o d ....for about 12 more minutes.
   we found a nice little spot to cut the motor-thought we might drift a little, but we didn't drop the anchor. joy & i set out the smorgasborg. it was a thing of beauty.... for about 7 more minutes.
   kids were all happily eating, grandpa bill was admiring the scenery, the guys were talking about how to keep the motor from flooding again....joy & i had everyone taken care of , as is customary among us moms... the moment came when joy began assembling her beloved favorite bologna sandwich on 2 perfect pieces of white (it's gotta be white) bread - when all of a sudden......what's THIS? grandma nancy seems to be in a bit of distress............good heavens......she's....she's......choking?!?  oh-my-gosh. i sprang into action-which for me was talking. "are you ok?"......no words....turning red......"are you breathing?".......i rather firmly began patting grandma nancy on the back...i'm on the verge of panic. with 11 people in a relatively small space, what was astounding was how oblivious everyone was to this turn of events. grandpa bill was still gazing into the distance pointing out interesting features of the shoreline to 2 totally engrossed 6 year olds. david & josh were having trouble getting the boat to start back up & were considering options as we  began drifting dangerously close to the reeds (they figured it was just flooded again). other kids were trying to poke holes in their juice boxes with the flimsy straws clinging to the sides of their hawaiian punch.....and all the while, joy is holding her precious bologna sandwich with mayonnaise watching in horror as i try in vain to help grandma nancy- who at that precise moment coughed up a baby carrot onto the fake blue carpet on the floor of the boat....then proceeds to announce that she is going to LOSE IT. oh, noooooooooo! not on the kids! not on the....... b o l o g n a ! "quick! over the side!"
 i am still talking. some of the less fortunate kids had caught on by now-ellen was holding her ears & covering her eyes & might have been humming, too- who knows?  john had,too - john, my child who barfs any & every time any one else does......."JOHN! CLOSE -YOUR- EYES!" but , it was too late. seconds later, the co-captain's chair was covered in orange cheet-o remains & sticky pink sugar cookie icing. not completely sure, but there may have been sprinkles. all the while, joy is sitting there on her igloo, mouth agape, yet unable to speak surveying the hysteria unfolding all around her.            then, without expression, in one swift motion of the arm, she flung her beloved bologna- on- white over her right shoulder & into the lake.
   it was the single most horrifyingly funny 75 seconds of my entire life. i HAD managed to remember to throw in a roll of paper towels, so after a brief wipedown of the orange & pink food carnage- lest some other offspring would begin to hurl- the boat was still stalled & we were up to our pontoons in reeds. there was only one solution. someone was going to have to get in & physically hold the boat. everyone peered over the side into the shallow, chunky reeds- complete with the remains of one bloated bologna sandwich which the fish (at least the ones who didn't like barf) were starting to fight over. no one spoke. finally, without discussion, it became clear that josh & david were going to have to do it. reluctantly, but bravely they gathered their courage & together they bailed over the side & held the boat in chest-deep murky bologna barf water until the people from the marina jet-skiied out to save us.
   joy never had her sandwich. grandma nancy was NEVER invited to the boat again. but, i turned 39...or 40 (who's counting?) none-the-less & as a birthday present have this great story to tell & re-tell & it always bring down the house. the end.

-the snackmom       ...who decided not to post a recipe this time since 1.)  no one probably has an appetite after that  & 2.)  nothing, but nothing, we take to the lake is EVER home-made...that's the best part of it...well, that & the stories